Every Single Night

These ideas of mine, percolate the mind

Sleep has never come easy for me. I think the people in my life who know me even slightly will tell you that I complain about sleep, or lack thereof. I went to a sleep doctor once who told me that my biological clock is in reverse, my body wanting to rest during the day and stay up all night. No tests, no sleep studies, just his theory that I was some kind of vampire. It’s possible he was full of shit. Or just bad at his job. Possibly both. However, ask my immediate family about my childhood, the one where I cried at the top of the stairs every night so I could stay up and watch sitcoms from the '50s, and they might agree with the him (incompetent or not).

Usually when I have a 9-5, I can force my clock to get right, but I am currently on the schedule of the unemployed and my brain knows it. Not that I sleep all that well when I have a job - I averaged a decent, for me, 4 hours of sleep when I was working. Now I sleep for a couple hours, if lucky, at various times of the day. It's not for a lack of trying, I'm usually attempting sleep at around 10pm or so. And then my brain takes over. The tagline of this blog comes honestly and I do all my best overthinking at night, when sleep eludes me. So go to bed at 10pm, go to sleep at 10am. What happens in between you ask? Let's break it down:

10:00PM - Comfy in bed, let's just scroll a little on the phone

11:00PM - Put phone away now, go to sleep

11:02PM - I should get groceries tomorrow, there is nothing in the house. I really need to make a meal plan and get healthy food. I should probably start yoga again, but the knees. Oh, the knees. I should have gone to physical therapy. I should get a therapist. Do I need a therapist? The world is really awful right now, does it even matter?

11:20PM - I can't sleep, I'll just read for a little while.

1:15AM - No more reading, go to sleep

1:20AM - I need to find a job, I'm going to be out of money soon. Oh god, I don't want the same old bullshit job. I can make money another way. I'll post more on Instagram. I'll start a podcast. I'll make TikToks. For sure. Everyone wants to hear from a boring 48 year old cosplaying as a content creator. Yep, great idea. Good lord, go to sleep

1:35AM - I can't sleep, I'll play a game for a while while I simultaneously watch old episodes of Growing Pains on this tiny screen.

1:40AM - Why did Kirk Cameron have to grow up so horrible, I love him in this.

2:15AM - I'm hungry, I should go get a snack.

3:12AM - Put the phone away, Shannon, go to sleep.

3:15AM - What is the meaning of life? Why am I here? What is the point of it ALL? How much time do I have left? How much time do any of us have left?

3:30AM - Enough existential crisising, go to sleep.

3:40AM - toss/turn, turn/toss

3:45AM - What is the name of that actor, who was in that thing? I'll look it up..

4:00AM - Oh great, a cat is falling asleep on my hip. I can't move, but I can't sleep like this. But I don't want to disturb the cat, she's comfy.

4:10AM - I have to pee, get off.

4:45AM - GO TO SLEEP, GO TO SLEEP, GO TO SLEEP

4:55AM - I wish I would have spoke up that time in high school.. here's what I would have said..

5:10AM - Oh the sun is rising, might as well get up.

Sooo yeah, that's basically how it goes. There's much more that goes in my head than this, like pre-sleep fantasy hour, where I make up stories in my head that I can tell you are genius and legendary and have never made it to a note pad or a computer.

Also, I sometimes actively try not to sleep because I hate dreaming. It's probably because I'm a control freak and when I dream, I just have to sit and take it. Who wants to be in a dream where you can't scream or are falling out of bed or something is getting bombed. Or you dream about someone you know and it's super awkward to see them after.

Yes, I've taken melatonin, and sleeping pills, and Benadryl. Some of those worked but are not a solution. I clearly need to go to a sleep doctor that might actually be invested in figuring out the issue. And also a therapist. And also a physical therapist. And I should probably get groceries tomorrow and maybe make a TikTok......... I'm writing this at 8PM, I can worry about all this in bed.