What Now?

but I'm numb again

New couch in natural habitat. Click pic to get one of your own.

Pardon me, I'm fashionably late for this week's descent into my overactive mind. Thank you to the two of you who reached out to ask where it was, I'm glad someone is reading. That sounds sarcastic, but I really do appreciate it. I'd like to say I don't do this for anyone but myself, but let's be real. Seeking affirmation is basically my personality.

This week has been filled with distractions. Like a world leader and the richest man on earth competing in the moron olympics on social media. It was some nice levity among the chaos but at the end of the day, they still have wealth and power and this country is as insane as ever.. but get your kicks while you can, I guess. It would be nice if this was the beginning of the end and I'm not just talking about the world's worst "friendship". My political post that I said wasn't coming is definitely coming.

I also bought a couch, delivered last week. Such a mundane activity, why mention it, no big deal... Unless you are anxious, have an active imagination and worry about logistics like it's a sport. I'm happy to report that all went well and I am now a proud owner of a couch (and I use that term loosely) that is so deep-set it might as well be a bed. I literally have to roll off it like I'm ducking enemy fire every time I get up. But I do a gymnast salute when I make it off without falling, so the effort is worth it. Honestly though, best purchase a professional couch potato could make. But that soft couch hasn’t softened the anxiety spiral I’ve been stuck in.

The other distractions I spoke of - just me cycling through anxiety, self-doubt and ultimately apathy. I haven't looked for a job, I still don't have health insurance and I have about a couple months before my financial situation becomes dire. I fell into a trap of my own design and most of the time, I can't be bothered to care. I'm walking a fine line between depression and flat out laziness with no discernible plan to get out of it.

There is a big part of me that is living in the three months between follow up appointments. Why bother getting a job if I have to go through chemo again in a few weeks. I have no reason to believe this will happen but it's a big enough possibility to let it rule my head. But of course, I need health insurance and money coming in if I get sick. A bit of a twisted Catch 22, I know. I just know I don't want to work if I have to go through treatment, I did that before and all I felt was sick and guilty. The alternative, not having a job, would also make me feel sick and guilty. There is no winning.

When it comes to a job, I don't even know where to start. I know a little bit about a lot of things. I skipped out on college to chase after my eventual divorce, so no degree to back me up. I've been a photographer, a restaurant manager, an administrative assistant, an HR lackey.. There was good things about each one but ultimately I got bored or fed up.

If we were going by my 7th grade journal, I'd be a journalist in New York right now. Dare to dream, 12 year old me. Actually, I had to repeat that grade so I may have had two journals. The other one probably said, "unemployed, overweight, cancer survivor with two cats and a couch that she can't get up from without gravitational assistance".

So yes, getting paid to write is the ultimate dream. I do live in reality, so I know that I can write for a living, but that it will take some work. And steady income from a job that I don't necessarily love but need will help the process along in the meantime. One with health insurance, preferably.

Motivation is what is needed on all fronts. And if I knew how to get motivated without developing a coke habit (of any variety), I would be somewhere else right now, in a less shitty apartment possibly. With the same couch though, but with a body that provides the springiness for a more graceful exit.

My next blog will be all about motivation, or the lack thereof , featuring a very personal feud (unrelated to world politics) between me and the scale. I hope the two of you will be back to read all about it. Thanks for having me, and for giving me a reason to live out my seventh-grade dream. You know who you are.